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Ben Leander Willgruber, MSc.
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Quick Thought Tuesday | Depression

For the longest time, I thought I knew what being depressed feels like. Turns out I had no idea until the beginning of the year, after coming home from Berlin and swearing off marihuana, I got to know a new side of me I didn’t really want to know. I am feeling better now, and I am in no way saying that what I experienced was a ‘depression’, but I believe it was depressive symptoms, for sure. I wrote down a couple of lines to cautiously remind myself of how good I normally have it. Here I go…

 


 

I didn’t know how much smiling could hurt until it was the last thing I wanted to do.

I wanted to scream and shout or cry.

What I didn’t want was talk to anybody.

So, I smiled and pretended everything was fine.

On the inside I felt like I lost a little part of myself, not knowing if I’d ever find it again.

 


 

When I was in this dark place, I had a really tough time. Eventually, I got out of it with the help of my partner. Do you ever fall into a depressive state? And how do you manage to move on?

 

xoxo2

Ben

Compulsive nonconformist who left the 9-to-5 world after studying psychology and has since then devoted himself to design and writing on a freelance basis. Has at least four different kinds of chips at home at any given time.

Comments

  • Avatar
    21. May 2019
    reply

    Leon C Ferris

    Hey Ben

    All’s good now… On top of the world!

    Thanks for your reply. Much appreciated! I will do so in the near future.
    Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing YOUR life with us.

    Blessings!

  • Avatar
    9. May 2019
    reply

    Leon C Ferris

    https://stone7774.wixsite.com/stone777 from my outdated blog…

  • Avatar
    9. May 2019
    reply

    Leon C Ferris

    I have had a couple of depression spells in my lifetime… Roughly maybe 10 or so… I think. The first was just terrible. I could identify later on what it was like and how to manage it when I was down “there”. Never took any tablets to get “out” of it. Just stuck it out! My belief – told myself over and over that it will get better. And it did… Always!

    Of those 10 times, 3 were bad where you felt that nothing will help. I was deep in the “jungle”. I have actually handled the last one very well (Happened towards the end of 2018 when I came out – lasted about 3 weeks. It was more of a “feeling down” period. It was like you just find yourself in that hole and you are trying to get out. I was more equipped to survive this last one because of experience I would say. I constantly told myself OVER and OVER that things will get better. And it eventually did… like it did in the past. This last depression (and also other episodes) was more like you are out of touch with reality and that you constantly feel negative. With that I had a head cold that sort of made it worse. I even went to have a diabetes and blood pressure check up. All negative. I think the body was weak to fight off common stuff like having a cold.

    What helped the most was to just think positive and I tried by all means to keep myself BUSY. That pulled me through. I think it lasted for about one and a half to 2 months. You just sort of feel down. And then… you just get out of it and then you are sort of on a high. Getting out of it is such a great feeling. Thoughts and doing things return to normal… I remember my spell while I was working many years ago… I was sort of scared to answer phone calls while working while feeling depressed… but getting out of it felt like I sort of couldn’t wait to answer phone calls. You just felt positive again and that you could face and conquer the world with all its challenges.

    I don’t think any person can understand depression unless you’ve been through it yourself. There are of course different levels but mine were all more or less the same – symptoms wise. During one of my depression spells, I visited a doctor that prescribed Prozac. I think I used it for a couple of days and then flushed it down the toilet. It was just not for me. The reason I did that is a bit clearer to me now. At that time I read up about depression and I was equipped to make an informed decision about the medication. I could help myself, mentally. Like I’ve mentioned… Be with people, think positive and believe in yourself and that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. You should not try and fight it on your own. Be with people.

    This last bout was sort of camouflaged by the slight head cold I had so I was sort of good in hiding it from family and friends. I think in the other instances I have shared it with close family. Like I have mentioned. Although I have in all instances after the 1st and 2nd time hidden it quite well.

    Just a thought… a cousin of mine used it against me when there was a disagreement between us. Bless him. May he never go through that dark valley… There you go… My depressing depression story I hope it helps someone out there. Stay positive! Peace!

    PS – I also feel that I have lost “time” after such spells. Sort of like you lost out on what was going on around you. Difficult to explain.

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