Today is my birthday (hooray…) and it still is for a couple of minutes. I didn’t do anything today, neither spent time with my boyfriend nor my friends and family. Not by choice. Not really, at least. It all started yesterday…
Growing up I always had incredibly high expectations for my birthday. I imagined my mum bringing me breakfast to bad, not having to go to school, getting exactly what I want when I want it. Of course, this was never the case and while I usually had a decent birthday it was never enough for me. I got older and became terrified of my birthdays. I knew that it was a day where technically I could get everything I wanted but realistically I knew this wasn’t going to happen. I got older and delved into birthdays that aren’t fun anymore. Like actually being allowed to smoke and drink at 18 – how boring. Or not being a teenager anymore when getting 20. To simply getting a year older being reminded of everything my life is not.
To be clear, I don’t have super-high expectations for my birthday anymore. Would I be happy if 20 friends threw me a surprise party with cake and strippers? Yes. But I would be sad on the inside too. No matter what happens. That’s why I wanted it to be a normal day this year around. Spending time with my boyfriend, going to dinner with him and my family and then meeting a couple of friends for drinks at night. Whoever shows up, shows up. If I’m sitting there with him and no one else came that’d be fine too. Low-key I guess. And I feared I would end up sad anyways.
I was right, I am back to sad me. My birthday, more than any other day, reminds me of all the things I have done and the things I haven’t done. I am grateful for the life I have, I truly am. But I am also sad about what my life isn’t. Like me slowly gliding into a regular work-life situation. Do I want to become a 9-to-5 kind of person? I’d rather be homeless. I am reminded of friends who moved to different places round the world chasing their dreams. I am happy for them for doing this. But in the end, I am also sad that everyone seems to vanish. I am still in my more-or-less-hometown and I am usually happy with it. I like the people, my job and my university life which is soon to be over – clue the violin music! But would I have chosen this place to live? Probably not. And now I am too scared to move anywhere else for various reasons. But most of all, what if me going somewhere else doesn’t pay off? What if I don’t find my happy place? What if everything gets worse as it usually does?
I dreamed a little bit on my birthday and after drowning the pain in wine I almost didn’t feel sad anymore. And thought about what life could be and what I could do. So, why don’t we quit our jobs and travel the world, work as baristas and chase destiny?
One thing I know is that I always feel sad around the time of my birthday. I know that my boyfriend hates that. I realize that I can’t disregard his feelings just cause it’s my fucking special day. But I can’t fake a smile when I don’t feel like it no matter what cake I get.
So, we got into a fight but I won’t get into details. That wouldn’t be fair just telling my side of the story. But I guess he kind of broke up with me. To be honest, I’m not sure. We talked and screamed, I left the apartment, I came back, I cried, we talked, we were desperate and I left again. He wanted my keys back and I guess that says something. But to be honest, I am not sure where we stand now. I don’t think a long relationship ends in one day.
I also know I’ve pissed a lot of people off, my family for sure for canceling dinner. But other than that, I really can’t say what’s going on right now. I guess I wished for life not to be boring so I got not boring. Damn you, karma.
I ended up spending my day working and sleeping. I really didn’t want that. But maybe I am the reason everything turned out this way. Now all I can do is write it down in hopes I can forget about it. I never thought I’d share anything this personal online, but fuck it.
It’s been a couple of days now, I’m far from feeling great but I am doing better as things fall back into place again. Something wonderful happened that strengthened my belief in life, fate and humanity. As it is a complex story on its own, I will write about it next week or so. I’m excited to be able to end this post on this positive note.
Title photo by June Kweh