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Apocalypse of the Mind

Similar to past years, I have again decided to summer in Berlin and revisit my second life. I wanted to write about all my experiences here but I have to compress a lot. Bare with me. 

I have written down single lines of emotions, situations that occurred and random thoughts bubbles that I had. I started a couple of weeks before moving to Berlin and finished now, towards the end of my time here. Some context follows at the bottom of the page.

 

apocalypse of the mind

disable my feelings

a cloud made of steel

encaged water

falling through the sky

 

i’m anxious a lot these days

bury me in clouds

i’m anxious a lot these days

in case you’re happy you won

 

coming home i don’t belong

put everything on hold

a best friend I rarely get to see

replacing corrupt memories

 

recycled art no one cares about

the city lost its soul

what stays behind if

berlin is kaputt

 

an ambulance stuck in traffic

bloodstain on the toilet seat

violinist on the subway

and i feel sick again

 

tanned stranger in the park

tipsy bear in the dark

a russian princess serving tea

dissolve you within me

 

melting walls and paper moons

this is not the cure

no more questioning

when everything’s unsure

 

wake up with a smile on your face

i am smiling too

take me into your skin

i will take you too

 

a phantasy that’s about to end

and then your smile again

apocalypse of the mind

let’s go back to dreamland

 

 

A little context

The first few days after my arrival, I filled my calendar with all kinds of things I had been missing: art, foodie food, markets, shopping, interesting cafès and bars, karaoke,… In between this fast Berlin life, I sat down in a park, listened to some voice messages, and realized I felt what I hadn’t felt in quite a while: contempt, happy and at home. In my typical manner, I instantly had to question these feelings and started worrying about possibly drifting into depression when I will have to get back to Graz…

Then I tried shifting my perspective and rather focus on internalizing what makes me so happy and fulfilled in Berlin. I started thinking about how to take that with me to Graz. Of course, I cannot bring all my friends here – and trust me, I would if I could – but I can continue living an authentic and unapologetic lifestyle.

I got to know some fascinating new people here and enjoyed the special kind of short-term dating that living in a city for only a specific amount of time brings with it. I purposefully do not want to go into too many details, but I will say that I have had some lovely experiences here. To me, the most beautiful thing is being able to enjoy such inspiring encounters again after having had hurtful experiences. I may not be ready to jump into something – but rather than doing what doesn’t feel right, I choose to enjoy what I am capable of handling at the moment.

I will not only miss Berlin and the city and its possibilities and my Voguing classes and the feeling of freedom. I will mostly miss the beautiful people I have known for years or have just met. You may say that I am setting myself up for pain by switching between my two homes, but I know with certainty that I will come back and get to enjoy what makes Berlin so beautiful all over again.

I will return to Graz just in time for the exhibition we ❤ illustration that I am also a part of. Let’s have a chat at the opening on the 17th of September in the designforum.

 

BenLeander

 

 

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Compulsive nonconformist who left the 9-to-5 world after studying psychology and has since then devoted himself to design and writing on a freelance basis. Has at least four different kinds of chips at home at any given time.

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