I wish this was easier to write. I wish I would have gathered my thoughts but I’m still all over the place. Maybe that’s why I need to write this.
I want you to know that I will always think of the time we had with a smile. I wish I could forget about everything that happened in the last couple of months but it’s not that easy. It all gave the beautiful time we had such a bitter taste. I wish this weren’t the case. I wish that I would’ve realized sooner that our paths are different now than they once were. It’s unfortunate, but there’s nothing we can do about it now.
I wish you meant it when you said that we were gonna stay friends and keep in contact. I miss you. With this breakup, I also lost my best friend. I wish we were more mature and could end a relationship and keep it going as a friendship. I understand that this would have felt degrading to you as I know you are prone to thinking in terms of labels. I wish we could’ve been the one couple making it work. Maybe we can one day.
You are a great guy and I know I will regret this step one day. I also would regret not taking this step. It hurts that there was no other way. It’s also a little comforting to know that whatever we were going to do would end in sorrow. There was no good choice. We made the hard choice and it was the only possible one. We knew it was the right one but that doesn’t change how shitty it feels.
We always had obstacles against us. You know what I’m talking about. We always seemed to make it work. And yes, we had ups and downs. But at least we were together. It always seemed worth fighting but so many things changed. I am barely the same person I was seven years ago. I always wanted more and you may think I am childish. Maybe you are a little scared. And I get it, change is scary. There is no going back, like jumping off a cliff. The one thing that always kept me going (and growing) was knowing that you’d be there with me. And fuck it, our path was tangled and twisted, but we always made it work. No matter what others said about us. I wish we could have continued our journey together but I know that what I want in my future is not what you want in yours. At least not right now.
Maybe you are further along a certain path to ‘forever’ than I am. Maybe I am not done exploring and doing. And while I felt very much alive with you, my lust for life and sensation and exploration hasn’t faded. I have so much energy left and I wanna do things you’re not interested in. And I knew I couldn’t force it on you. I tried and I know I hurt you in the process and you weren’t happy and I wasn’t happy. In a way, I felt as if I couldn’t be my full self anymore. And maybe you couldn’t be your full self anymore either. I honestly don’t know.
We both have our issues and I know that mine sometimes overshadowed yours. I was so focused on myself that I sometimes didn’t fully see you and your needs. I am sorry for that. Problems with mental health are serious and I know you know that. You were the first and only person I ever felt like I could share everything with – maybe even too much. You knowing exactly what was going on with me might have been a problem. I got lazy and tired. I stopped working on my issues because everything was fine for the moment. But we both know that it wasn’t fine. It took time and energy and left us both frustrated. I still don’t feel OK. Maybe I never will be. But if there’s anything good coming out of this whole mess it’s my promise – to myself and to you – that I will keep improving. I know I can get better as I’m making progress every day. But I’m pretty sure I will never be as ‘normal’ as others. That’s okay for me. I’m not sure if it would have ever been okay for you. And I don’t wanna get into too many details here and keep this part intentionally vague. But I get it. I get how frustrating I can be and how all that shit reflected badly on the relationship. Nothing of it is your fault and I want you to know that. I’m just scared that I never will be OK, never good enough to be in a relationship. I know I’ll drive a lot of people mad. Maybe I have to keep working until I feel good about myself again. You might be the only person who understands why this is so hard for me. I’m so sad I can’t talk to you anymore. You always gave me hope. What a priceless quality.
Looking back now, I know I did many things wrong. But I didn’t forget about the things you did wrong either. Unfortunately, we both didn’t. All the small details… So small at one point, but piled up over the years. Every time we had a fight or a discussion we couldn’t let go of past mistakes. We could never move forward and focus on the present. It seems so ridiculous in retrospect but also very normal and human.
I won’t ever forget you and I will always have a special place in my heart for you. I hope you are doing well. If there’s anything I could do to help you mend, I would. But I don’t think I can. I hope you were honest when we met up a couple of weeks ago and you said you’re doing better without me. And that was honestly the second most painful thing you ever said to me. But I was also happy you said it because that’s what I wish for you. Maybe our paths will cross once again in the future. I just know that I need time alone. Maybe we can be friends at some point. I guess, we’ll have to wait and see but I really hope we didn’t destroy everything we ever had.
Thank you for an amazing time. I have never loved like I did with you. It was truly spectacular. There’s nothing I can write to describe how beautiful it was. Others will never know and that may be the beauty of it.
You truly grew to become the elephant to carry me. I just hope I wasn’t too heavy.
Title photo by Billy Kidd.