Ben Leander Willgruber | Casual Trainwreck

One Year Without Therapy

A little over a year ago, my former therapist told me that she was going to retire. It came as she shock when she said that. You never think of your therapist as a regular person with a life outside of her office – at least I didn’t. My therapist was very goal-oriented by which I mean that she didn’t tell me much about herself other than that she’s married and loves to hike.

Still, she was a very important person in my life.

Weird to think that there is a person who knows so damn much about me, yet I don’t know anything about her. She was getting paid to listen to other people’s problems and learned more about myself than anyone else ever has. Visiting her felt like visiting a friend abroad who you don’t get to see in your regular life. A friend you have to travel to, chat for a bit and then leave again.

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She has helped me more than you can imagine.ย 

I have grown and changed a lot over the last years and she played a big part in that. I don’t know where I would stand without her, specifically with my OCD. So, when she told me that she was going to retire, I didn’t know what to say. I knew instantly that I wasn’t going to look for another therapist as it was such a hustle finding one I was comfortable enough to talk about anything and everything. The session she told me about her retirement (and then again when we actually said goodbye), was kinda low-key heart-breaking. We both had watery eyes and when we eventually said our goodbyes was the first time I hugged her. Even though it was hard for me, I didn’t wanna make it harder for her. I can only imagine how telling all her clients and saying goodbye to them in the same week must’ve felt.

I felt helpless at first but made more progress later.ย 

I was more motivated to power through my issues than before. For the first time in my life, there was no one holding my hand as I had just lost my therapist and soon after that my boyfriend. There was no running away and no security net. If I ever wanted to get healthier, I had to do the work myself and I had to do it now.

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I am glad that I had a great therapist who gave me all the tools I needed.

Although I know you’re never going to read this, I want to thank you. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy life as much as I can now. I wouldn’t be able to often resist the urges of my OCD. I wouldn’t be able to win some of the fights that come with having OCD. Of course, there are still fights I’m losing, but nowadays this doesn’t bring me into a spiral of desperation no more.

I wish for you to have the best time of your life in your retirement and that you can finally forget other people’s problems and focus on yourself. Thanks for having been such a crucial part of my life.

xoxo2

Ben

Title photo: Sigmund Freud’s couch in his London office
Third image: Ivan Pavlov (bearded guy on the right) and his dog

Suggested further reading:
Meet the Troll in my Head by myself
Why I Quit Therapy by this is my imagination
Man Quits Therapy, Gets Girlfriend Instead by The Flush Factory
Giving Up by behindapaintedsmile30

4 thoughts on “One Year Without Therapy

  1. Am glad you feel stronger and better. Therapists are like family..you might not see them all the time but just being together helps you get through the tough times. Am looking forward to hearing about your progress.

    1. True, but the good kind of family who always have time to listen to your problems and be actually helpful without implanting doubt in your mind ๐Ÿ˜‰ I liked visiting her but I am also glad of doing better on my own now ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. A very fitting tribute to someone whom you recognize as a very important person in your life. If you’re this comfortable with having worked with her, then she was indeed a success. Thank you for sharing this here. Naked hugs!

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