One lifetime ago, I had a six-pack. I had just bought a new exercising game when I shaped up. I felt so proud when people noticed. But as I didn’t keep on working out, it didn’t last. I gained some weight and more over time. Then, I started taking anti-depressants and gained over 15 kg (33 lbs). My body confidence dropped to an all-time low.
Emotionally, however, I was getting comfortable being myself.
I was out as being gay, I was in my first real relationship. We were open about it and I never wanted to hide again. While I don’t think that you can ‘see’ that someone is gay, I will admit that having pink hair and wearing a leather harness semi-publicly will probably give others some clue. But I’m not ashamed anymore. Anything you say can never again hurt me like it once did. If you think, I’m wrong, I know, you are.
My body confidence didn’t match my emotional confidence.
So, I was somewhat happy with myself. And I was in a long relationship, so honestly, it probably didn’t matter as much that I gained some weight #sorrynotsorry. But I didn’t feel confident looking a little stockier. I am into gay ‘bears’, but ironically, I don’t think I can pull it off. I always wanted to be fit, like that one time in high school.
Thanks, mum, for telling me I was dressing ‘unsuitable’ for my size.
(I know you only meant to help.) But telling me that I gained weight didn’t. I knew that, even without owning a scale. I thought this was so fucking unfair. I had gained weight because of a medication I took for years which, turns out, I never really needed in the first place.
Recently, I’ve lost some weight, most of what I gained from my anti-depressants and I feel more comfortable in my skin. I’m not where I wanna be just yet, but I’m on my way. And I would be lying if I said that being skinnier doesn’t make me feel better about myself.
But what I start to realize now is that being pretty has nothing to do with the Body Mass Index.
I doubt myself a lot and I often feel awkward around people I don’t know so well. That, of course, reflects back on me. Losing weight is a long process, but I think, so is gaining confidence. And yeah, honestly, physical changes have helped me but that’s only part of the story. Sometimes, I feel undefeatable, other times, one remark can bring me down. I will have to figure that out, still.
This image-based society we live in is so fucked up.
I think that all people are beautiful in their own way. That’s not something I just say, but something I really believe in. There’s no inherently ugly person if he/she has a beautiful character. Of course, the personality of a person is something you don’t see in an Instagram post.
In the end, I believe that you can feel and be pretty no matter how you look. Do you?
Title photo courtesy of ModCloth