Tinder is a game show. First price is a penis.
A couple of weeks ago, I was strolling through the city when I went past a church. In a glass bowl, they offered free blessings for take-away. The first thing that came to mind was the question of how the little pieces of paper were blessed. They probably threw their favorite inspirational quotes in a glass bowl, sprayed some holy water in and mixed it around in the style of a lottery draw.
Why didn’t the church just join the 21st century and sent out blessings via an app? ‘Sinnr! Don’t like today’s blessing? Just swipe left!’ That again got me thinking about Tinder. In a world where God’s blessing is just a grab inside a bowl away (followed by some Purell), is it really that bizarre to swipe through potential new partners? I always thought that Tinder was stupid. Compatibility being judged by a single photo – is this the new dating process or an application for a job at Hollister? But maybe I got it all wrong, maybe – just maybe – it’s a good idea. Don’t we judge others based on their image anyways?
So, I went home and decided to download Tinder. ‘Why didn’t you get Grindr?’, you ask? Well, Grindr might be the ‘gay’ Tinder but it does not have a cool swiping mode. It’s more like going on Google Maps, typing in your current location, and searching for available dicks in the near area. Where’s the fun in that? So, I started swiping and was surprised when I saw a couple of people that I used to know who I thought were straight. Dammit, if only I would have known… Some fantastic things might’ve happened. Anyways, none of them matched with me, so nothing fantastic would have happened.
Playing around on Tinder makes it very clear that this is no serious dating app. It’s more like a game show. You are a contestant but everyone else is competing too. It’s a game of numbers as you’re matching with as many people as possible while never getting to know any of them. When you match, you play the game of who-writes-first. In most cases, no one will. And if, for some miraculous reason, you get a message, it’s probably not by the guy by who you wanted to get messaged. It’s the guy who had a hangover and took a photo wearing sunglasses, that guy you swiped right accidentally.
The first prize on Tinder is a penis. But don’t worry, the second prize is another penis. Third price too. And so on. Tinder is like the politically correct games played in kindergartens where no one’s a loser and everyone’s a winner. Just with sex. It never begins to feel real. It never begins to feel like anything more than a gimmick. However, I do know a couple of people who mysteriously found someone on Tinder. They are all straight though and I don’t know if they play Tinder by the same rules.
I have absolutely nothing against online dating. In fact, that’s how I got to know most people I’ve gotten closer to. Tinder just isn’t my cup of tea. I wanna read what someone has to say, find out what they think. I like to chat and flirt and exchange sweet nothings before I decide if I wanna meet someone. I don’t like the fast pace of Tinder. I don’t like when people get annoyed with me wanting to have a conversation. It makes me question what people’s intentions are. Do they all just wanna have sex with a nameless and faceless stranger and get on with their lives? Are they all so busy that anything demanding more than 10 minutes of their time is too much to ask? If that’s the case, I don’t think I wanna play.
Before finishing this post, I wanna add something here. If you end up on a playdate, please be careful and use protection (aka condoms). Watch this hilarious video for everything else you need to know about hooking up with a stranger (you won’t regret it – trust me).