Ben Leander Willgruber | Casual Trainwreck

Pros and Cons of Monogamy | Part 1

I am currently in a happy relationship, so maybe it is the wrong time to write about polygamy and polyamory, or maybe the timing couldn’t be better. I am not oblivious and know how relationships evolve. I am in a happy honeymoon state with my bf at the moment that might last even longer than usual due to me having been in Berlin for a couple of months.

Our relationship will change over time, as we change with it.

I think this process is nothing to be afraid of, nor something you have to prepare yourself for. In the end, everything happens naturally and if things feel right for you and your partner, then everything is fine. Still, change will happen and waking up next to the partner will not be as exciting as it was when you first go to know each other. Life isn’t always exciting and even if you love your partner, how can doing the laundry or balancing the taxes be fun? You make the best of what you can do, but nobody else will constantly keep everyday life exciting. In the end, you alone are responsible for your happiness.

Relationships, Expectations, Wishes, Desires

It’s a good idea to reflect on a relationship alone and with your partner. He or she won’t know what you’re unhappy about if you don’t ever tell them. Talking about even the smallest things that bother you will prevent your problems from piling up. In the past, I’ve experienced how discussions may get unhealthy if you always heat up past mistakes instead of moving forward.

There will come a point you’ll think of sleeping with someone else. I believe that’s completely normal and doesn’t mean that the relationship’s over or that the love is gone. Thinking about sex with someone aside from your long-term partner is also a couple of steps before actually doing so and no one should feel bad about that. Reason to worry might be if you don’t want to sleep with your partner anymore at all.

If you look at the statistics it seems like monogamy isn’t right for everyone.

Numbers vary, but studies show that about 40% of all people have had an affair or sexual contact outside of their relationship. A common mistake seems to be thinking that everyone is cheating – except for your own partner. This misguided thought might make having an affair the seemingly better option than simply talking to your partner about your wishes and expectations. It may be an uncomfortable topic, but looking at the numbers I believe there might be many people in strictly monogamous relationships who might be happier with different arrangements.

Are you a serial monogamist or believe the concept is outdated?

Part 2 of this post will explore the spectrum of open relationships and will be online next Thursday.

xoxo2

Ben

Suggested further reading:
Relationship Expiration Date by myself
My Motivation for Non-Monogamy by FlossDoesLife
Serial Monogamy and the Art of Letting go by Shit Single Mom Says

 

9 thoughts on “Pros and Cons of Monogamy | Part 1

  1. I believe it is good to question your own thoughts and beliefs. We are so conditioned monogamy is the only way but we fail to see the beauty polyamorous relationships can bring (of course done ethically). Evolving happens. I used to think I could never be in a polyamorous relationship & with time I learned it’s ok to love who I love if we all consent. Good for you. Keep exploring and questioning what you want.

    1. Everything changes over times, so may our believes in realtionships. I think it’s so cool that you decided to follow you heart and see where it takes you. Thanks for commenting!

  2. I’m glad to see you’re writing about this. I think society equates monogamy with civility for some reason; a set of people who are either ignorant or are of afraid of the maturity it requires to accept such a relationship.
    Maybe they find it easier to accuse others of immorality and shake a holy scripture. Really, folks don’t know when to mind their own business. Overall though, rules make us feel safe as along as we’re inclined to follow them.
    Relationship-wise? I have next to zero experience but I choose to believe trust and honesty lends to lasting bond, should one partner want include someone else they should feel secure enough to talk about it. Ideally, of course. Neat post, Ben 😉

    1. I think you’re right that monogamy is considered the normal standards which on the other hand means that when you’re not in a monogamous relationship you are abnormal. That’s so fucked up in my head because I also think that’s a topic where everyone should mind their own business (curioness as to how things work is OK of course but there’s often a lot of judgement involved). I believe there are a lot of societal changes to come with open relationships becoming more and more normal. That’s also what I’ve experienced in Berlin where a lot of people are in open relationships and they are accepted.
      I also think that if you desire something you currently don’t have you should always feel safe to talk about it. But of course, in realtiy that’s not always the case. Thanks for your comment! 🙂

  3. I don’t recall sharing my toys when I was young, maybe that’s why I’ve always tended toward monogamy.
    Maybe that’s why I’m single?
    I think the hard thing here – besides Step 1: finding a bf – would be finding someone who is mature enough to actually discuss this openly. My “fear” would be finding the guy that just wants to “cheat”, like an open relationship wouldn’t satisfy him because he wasn’t “getting away with anything”…

    1. I don’t think you’re single because your looking for exclusivity. I just wonder how many people are in exclusive relationships and then they still cheat. My thought here is that having an open relationship might be better than cheating. If people have to ‘get away with something’ in a relationship then maybe they shouldn’t be dating at all..

  4. Good post, buddy. All of us are constantly changing, including the man that we’re involved with. It is always best to explore the evolution together and honestly. Thanks for posting this. Naked hugs!

Leave your deepest thoughts or keep them to yourself.

%d bloggers like this: