Ben Leander Willgruber, MSc.
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A Casual Trainwreck

The former name of this blog was ‘New Honesty’. I was set on writing about misconceptions about the gay community and stereotypes that turn out to be true. However, I’ve realized that, above all, this blog has become a place to put my private and not-so-private thoughts about pretty much anything. I will continue writing about LGBT+ stuff, but I don’t want to limit myself.

I am at a place in life where a lot is changing. Above all, I’ll finish university soon. That means I will have to become a functioning part of society somehow. That’s a terrifying thought. I don’t want a 9-to-5 job with 5-9 friends and a life circling around career goals. I never want to wear suits or business casual (whatever that is).

I am living in a bubble that’s about to burst. I really should find out what I wanna do with my life. I know, I’m supposed to have ‘goals’ in mind of what I want to achieve in my life. I should, by now, have a clear direction of where I want to go in this world. I feel like I should know things about – well, basically everything – that I don’t.


Photo by @atahmed_rizkhaan

How do people do this… Pretending to know what they are doing? Living without being terrified of the unknown? What if you’re like me… What if your goals are vague – like mine? What if you don’t have a master plan in mind? What if you don’t have stepping-stones to reach, so you can feel accomplished? All I really want in life is to be happy but will happiness find me?

I know, I should be glad living a mostly care-free life, considering. I know, I should be happy that I was born in a country that’s quite open-minded, considering. I know, I shouldn’t compare myself to other people. I know, I should focus on myself when everyone else seems more interesting. I know, there are things in life I need to find out. I know, I’m not ready to settle.

I believe that no one ever knows what they are doing. I believe we’re all just living alongside hoping for the best results. I believe we are all more similar than we think we are. Maybe we just need to start talking more about it, admitting how clueless we really are.

One thing I know is, I will continue doing what makes me happy. I like writing, mostly for my myself, maybe for others who are interested. Maybe I will find out what I’m looking for, writing it down. For now, I’ll just keep doing what I think is a good idea. It’s all I really can do.


Title photo by @atwflwong


  • 25. October 2017

    I decided to check out your blog and this is exactly what I am going through. I couldn\’t have described it better myself. Except that I have been out of uni for 6 months now and my bubble has burst. Adulting is not what they (whoever they are) make it seem. Excuse me as I go through your other posts.

    • 25. October 2017

      So ahead, I\’m always happy about visitors! I believe many people are going through something like this after uni. How would you say adulting is then?

      • 25. October 2017

        I have come to the conclusion that we are all big babies, who are allowed to drink. I have talked to so many people older than me, and some describe feeling the same. We never stop growing, which I think means at whatever point anyone is..they are a little bit lost

        • 27. October 2017

          I would love if people were more open about their confusion in life. Writing this down, I got the feeling that I couldn\’t be the only one feeling a little lost, at least sometimes. A lot of my uni buddies struggle so much finding a job or even their place in the world. I even wonder if you ever truly get the feeling of having \’arrived\’ at where you planned to be. If not, I ask myself if many people just give up after some time and settle for the best they can do.

          • 29. October 2017

            I think it \’seems\’ much better if you are grown and have everything figured out. You start to hear more of \’act like a grown up and not a child\’ even though children are the happiest. I think it starts with knowing how to be happy.

            • 29. October 2017

              Yes, I think you\’re right. If you don\’t know how to be happy, how can you grow as a person?

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