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Ben Leander Willgruber, MSc.
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Reflecting on Life for my 200th Blog Post

I never thought it would get this far. Started in 2017 to practice my written English for my master thesis, I am still doing this. As a habit? As a passion? As a job? Let’s reflect on all of this.

 

As a start, something I have never published: The Top 10 of my most-read blog posts so far…

10. Fixing Dumb Tinder Bios
9. Relationship Expiration Date
8. How getting rejected at Berghain started a great Sunday Funday
7. Letter to my Ex
6. Top 10 best LGBT Music Videos
5. Sexuality as a Spectrum
4. I’ll miss you, Chester Bennington
3. Farewell Letter for Chris
2. Pros and Cons of Living in Berlin
1. Fixing Dumb Inspirational Quotes

 

The Start of Everything

I have gone through a lot of changes since I started this blog in 2017. I don’t know if my life was always as fast-paced as it is now and if I just didn’t notice. Writing about the big things happening in my life and even publishing it to the internet – my small little space, shaped exactly the way I like it – helped me a lot. Even though it was never part of my therapy, I believe that writing my thoughts down, structuring them to have them make sense from an outside perspective, also helped me a lot with my mental health.

I started this blog shortly before I finished my studies in psychology. I remember that after my final exam, I stepped out of the uni and started crying. People thought I had failed or something but in reality, I was simply sad because no one was there to celebrate this huge victory with me. My boyfriend and I had just broken up a week ago and I missed him. I remember that I dedicated him a letter which I uploaded here. It was the first time I was scared like shit about publishing a post but I don’t regret doing it. However, I never heard back from him and we’re not in contact since. He gave me the feeling that I was a bad person (and maybe it was unfair to upload that post?) and that feeling stuck with me for a long time.

Accepting my Flaws

Pretty much directly after my breakup, I was diagnosed with Diabetes and felt my life falling apart around me. Thank god I had just reconnected with lots of old friends and finally found a home base I was comfortable with. I don’t wanna be dramatic, but I don’t know where I would be without them. Friends come and go, but in this instance, I just knew that they were here to stay. I found love again with someone I trusted a lot. We had some beautiful times together and he helped me to realize I am not a bad person. I do have my issues but I know now that we all do.

I had my first art show together with a friend and felt I was growing more to be the person I wanted to be. The person I felt I had to be. I went to Berlin to find myself even more (which didn’t happen) but found some beautiful friendships there. It was hard being separated from my then-boyfriend but it was something I felt I needed to do. In Corona times this beautiful thing we had started to fall apart and I decided to go to Berlin once more.

Testing my new homepage on 17 devices at once

I am here now,

technically the same person I was ten years ago, technically the same person I was 200 blog posts ago. But so much has changed, mostly for the better. Thinking of all the anxieties I used to have about growing up, I would just like to go back and tell myself that everything is gonna work out.

There is (probably) no person out there who has read all my 200 blog posts and even if it were so it’s still just a tiny window into my life. I don’t know if I would continue writing this blog if no one read it. Even though I tell myself that I’m doing this for my personal growth I am aware that having a blog is a sign of my narcissism. I don’t believe, however, that my thoughts are so mind-blowingly important that they must be read by anyone. So, I am very thankful for anyone who does anyway.

Since I don’t know who you are, tell me if you feel like it. I always like being surprised. In any way: Thank you for keeping me going and stopping by.

 

Ben

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