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Ben Leander Willgruber, MSc.
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I feel absolutely nothing

I remember not being able to feel anything as a side effect of anti-depressants. Whenever shit hit the fence and it all became too much, my mind would shut down. I would no longer process any emotions, whatever happened would feel totally irrelevant. It’s a twisted coping mechanism for stressful times. Turns out, I still have that strategy in me as I’m quite overwhelmed with… well, everything. I worry about my health a lot and I’ve started questioning all the decisions I’ve made in the past couple of months. When my relationship ended, I thought I’d enjoy life. However, it’s just getting worse and worse. So many things I set out to do, haven’t gone as planned. It’s tough enjoying life when I’m feeling low, physically or mentally. And I know it wouldn’t be as bad if I had a significant other on my side helping me through all that. Tough timing, I guess.

They say you should talk about when you feel bad on social media, not just celebrate the good times. That’s what I’m doing today. I know that I will be better once I’m up and running again. I will feel better when I can finally lay in the grass and enjoy the summer sun. I will probably second-guess myself and fuck up, still. But at least I’ll feel it all. Anybody out there who knows what I’m talking about?

xoxo2

Ben

Title photo by Alex Martin

Compulsive nonconformist who left the 9-to-5 world after studying psychology and has since then devoted himself to design and writing on a freelance basis. Has at least four different kinds of chips at home at any given time.

Comments

  • Avatar
    25. April 2018
    reply

    I feels ya, sir.

    Good to share the odd bad times on the internets some days. Show\’s we\’re all human.

    • Avatar
      25. April 2018
      reply

      Thanks for the response. I feel odd sharing stuff like this but who am I kidding that everything\’s perfect all the times..?

  • Avatar
    24. April 2018
    reply

    Yup. I can relate. I, too, wait for the summer so I can slow down and recharge my \”solar panels\”.

    • Avatar
      24. April 2018
      reply

      Yeah, I somehow hope that better weather will change everything. Let\’s see lol. Hope you can recharge too!

  • Avatar
    23. April 2018
    reply

    Completely get it. I\’ve often had the conversation with my therapist about why being happy is so damn hard. I mean, it shouldn\’t be this hard to be happy. I think we all second-guess decisions and the truth is, hindsight is always 20/20. It\’s easier to see where we screwed up after everything is said and done, but it\’s harder to see it when we are in it and trying to decide what to do about it. Ben, I was what I call \”asleep\” for years and never allowed myself to feel anything and I\’ll take feeling indifferent and sad over feeling nothing any day of the week. Summer fun is just around the corner. Keep on keepin\’ on! XoXo!

    • Avatar
      24. April 2018
      reply

      The thing is, I have absolutely no problem being happy. I\’m usually quite a happy person even in uncertain circumstances. Even when I\’m in a fight I have no problem putting my mind to something else and still enjoy the day as it is. But if everything goes down the hill, as it is at the moment, I really have a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I\’m such an optimistic person but even I have my limits. That\’s when my mind shuts down and it\’s a place I\’m scared of going because I know it\’s hard to get out of. I will have to process everything I keep pushing away some day. But today is not that day.
      Thank you for your awesome feedback once again. Sometimes a comment like this is all I need to see the point of continuing this blog. xoxo Ben <3

      • Avatar
        24. April 2018
        reply

        Today is not that day for me either, Love. And tomorrow probably won’t be. And the day after that lol. I’ve often considered of late terminating my blog but everyone says eventually, I’ll have something to write about again. Right now, I got nothin’

        • Avatar
          24. April 2018
          reply

          Can\’t figure out why you would say that. The last comment you posted on how people always seem to fall in love with people who don\’t love them back would make a great story I think. You\’ll always find something to write about as long as you don\’t push yourself just so you have regular content online 🙂

          • Avatar
            25. April 2018
            reply

            I wish I could carry you around in my pocket all day long for inspiration! Xoxo!

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