Not a minute goes by without thoughts rushing through my head. But when I lay my head in the crevasse that forms above your collarbone when you raise your shoulders, all I hear is the noise of the ocean. Your chest raises and lowers with every breath you take, waves are breaking at the shoreline.
I wouldn’t have expected laying here with you, or anyone else, ever again, but here we are. You’re slowly tearing down walls I built up carefully and sometimes I am scared of that. You try to look into the future and I wanna live in the moment. That’s what I tell you but really, I don’t know what I want. What I had planned for my future is not what you have planned for yours. I wonder if timing is all that stands between us.
I don’t feel so broken anymore when I am with you and that is actually quite beautiful. I think you feel the same way. I warned you about how complicated I am to be around and you did the same thing but really, with you, everything is easy.
Sometimes you remind me of a stranded animal staring into my eyes after a forest fire and all I wanna do is protect you and save you from the flames. But I don’t know if I can be that person for you. I worry I am the one pushing you straight back into the flames. That’s why I rather lay in your arms and say nothing.
Forever is a lie and we know we’re painted by numbers. On the back of our necks, a date is tattooed in a language neither one of us understands. French or something. I know that you worry about that and you know that I worry. I don’t wanna hurt you and you don’t wanna be left behind. Or is it the other way around?
I am messed up in a way I cannot explain and even though I tried I know you don’t understand it, even if you say so. That’s OK. I still long for something no one can give me, but something I have to find within myself. There’s nothing you can do about it and that’s OK too. I’m not quite sure what it is you are looking for, but you tell me you’re happy when you’re with me. I don’t know what it is you’re getting from me but that’s OK as well.
I feel like I deserve something good for a change and I know, you do too. I usually have a picture in mind of what there is to come but at this moment, I have no idea. It’s scary but exciting. I wanna find out where the road leads even if all there is to come is heartache and anger. I told you that I can’t promise you anything. I can’t even commit to an annual ticket for the bus I take every day.
When the sun sets at night, I get the chills. The beach is empty other than the two of us laying in the grainy sand. I get up to close the window and when I come back, you have turned to the side. I wanna hug you from behind but your back is a narrow cliff I can’t wrap my arms around. For now, I will be left wondering what’s on the other side. So, I lay there next to you, thoughts rushing through my head. Your steady breathing calms me and everything that’s on my mind starts to feel irrelevant. As I start to fall asleep, you turn around and now rest your head on my chest.
Am I ready for something new?