Ben Leander Willgruber | Visual Designer and Writer

Goodbye Berlin, Hello Sadness.

Back when I went to middle school I was bullied a lot. For a long time, I thought it was my fault because I was weird and abnormal. I accepted that this was what my life was going to be until one day, I finally decided I was done with my old school. I left behind a lot of toxic assholes and found that even though I am weird, I am OK. In my worst times, I was a very sad kid, but usually only when bad situations had happened. I was never a person to wake up in the morning not being able to get out of bed. Until a couple of weeks ago.

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The room I paid way too much for but miss dearly.

Berlin distracted me more than it helped me.

I went to Berlin because I didn’t know what to do next. I saw it as a break from regular life and as a chance to finally have that semester abroad I never had. I hoped to figure out things in my life I wanted to know for my future, like where I wanna live or what I wanna do. Simple but complex questions.

I loved my time in Berlin but to be honest, I didn’t use it reflecting on my life. I should’ve gone somewhere I don’t have constant entertainment around me. I should’ve gone meditating if I’d actually wanted to find answers. I don’t know if setting myself a timer for making decisions about my future, was the smartest idea, to begin with.

I don’t know if that’s a thing with Berlin, but this city has so much to offer that time flies by and you might end up rushing from one event to the other. It feels like I’ve only been there for a month or so.

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Art Installation at Art center Kreuzberg/Bethanien

Berlin made me depressed but not because I loved it too much.

Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed my time in Berlin and even though it sometimes was freezing cold, I would do it again in a heartbeat. But there were also many things that didn’t feel right about my experiences. I don’t know if the perfect place to live in even exists for me but it is a little frustrating to realize that I haven’t found it yet.

So, here I am. I don’t wanna (contantly) live in Berlin and I probably don’t want to (constantly) live in my home town. Neither do I have a solution for my problems nor do I feel like I used my time in Berlin very wisely. I don’t know how a ‘real’ depression feels but what I have been going through after I came back, might come pretty close.

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Left: Birds over Eberswalder Str. | Right: Christmas market Klunkerkranich

There’s only a few things I know about my future. 

I love my friends and my boyfriend and my family back home.

I want to work in the arts and keep making art.

I wanna continue working in the field of advertising and branding.

I don’t want to forget about my master’s degree in psychology either.

I want to help people more than I do now – possibly in my job.

I want to continue to write, in a small and in a larger scale.

I don’t know where life will take me.

I am open for finding it out.

I cannot keep living with big questions pounding in my head forever.

I wouldn’t say I’m feeling depressed no more.

I am feeling so much better than when I first came back.

Still, I don’t have any more answers than back when I left for Berlin.

For now, I am living one day at a time.

 

xoxo2

Ben

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Sunrise after a night out at about:blank

 

If you’re interested you can catch up on my Berlin story here:
I’m Going to Berlin
Sharing a Flat with 15 People in Berlin
How getting rejected at Berghain started a great Sunday Funday
A Surreal Reunion
Pros and Cons of Living in Berlin
Top 10 Clubs in Berlin

Leave your deepest thoughts or keep them to yourself.

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